Joanna Marie Yutuc, Negosentro | If someone asks you what’s the closest you have come to death, then what would be your answer? Probably a medical emergency? Seeing the ambulance or the blue light? For some, the answer is divorce.
Something just dies inside of you when it is time to end the relationship and get a divorce. You get sad, scared, depressed and even angry. In fact, you go through a roller coaster of emotions. Some of you might feel like a victim. You have been hurt, harmed, lied to, treated badly or maybe even cheated.
It is normal for you to grieve, feel sorry or angry but it must be like that for a little while only. After divorce, you have two choices, either play the victim and blame everyone for the rest of your life or pick yourself up and make a life you always wanted to. There are lots of people who are unable to recover even after 5 years of divorce. Many of them are wondering, “How long will it take before I feel nothing”? If that’s what you are feeling, you are not alone.
Your recovery does not depend on anyone else. No one can do the work for you. Of course friends and counselors can help you big time, but the work is completely up to you. Many people jump back into the pool of hooking up with someone but it’s not the right approach. You are actually short-changing your healing process. Some people trade the failed relationship for the next one built on the same unstable foundations. This is never going to help you!
The truth is, there is no shortcut to recovery. Nobody can tell you when you will come out of this misery. But there are some things you can do to ease the recovery or make it harder. Let’s have a look at what they are:
Things that ease the divorce recovery
- Ask for help from friends, family and counselors
- Talk about your grievances with others
- Quit blaming yourself and accept that you weren’t meant for each other
- Face the obstacles as they arise
- Let people around you know when you are not feeling well
- Allow your inner feelings to come to the surface
- Accept the reality and move on with it
- Have faith that things will work out
Things that complicate the divorce recovery
- Not asking for help and trying to cope with it all by yourself
- Not talking about your grievances or feelings
- Counting on others to tell you what you need
- Sticking your head in the sand and hoping it will all go away
- Being upset with yourself all the time
- Not accepting the reality and moving forward
- Pushing the negative emotions away
Steps for Recovering
In case you are here, you already are willing to recovery. The steps discussed below will help you throughout the process:
Acknowledge the loss
Do not go into the denial phase. You have to face the reality. Burying your feelings of hurt, grief and anger is not a healthy approach. The first step to recovery is to face the reality and be honest with your feelings.
Accept the pain
Pain is nature’s way of telling us something is broken and it needs to be fixed. So, accept the pain and know that you are not the only one. It is normal for everyone to feel remorse for what they did or didn’t do or try to figure out where you were wrong, but don’t dwell on these feelings. A loss is a loss. It wasn’t meant to be so it slipped through your hands.
This shall pass
Divorce makes you feel that life is over and you can never be in a relationship again. If you give it your best, the pain will pass and you will turn out to be a healthy and mature person.
Give yourself time to heal
Consider this example, a broken arm takes at least 6 months to heal, so it is fair for a broken heart to take longer than this – but not forever. If you carefully work through the process of recovery, you will heal. Some experts say it may take a year or even more but the truth is, if you don’t deal with your feelings, you may be stuck with this grief forever. If that’s what you are feeling even years after your divorce, you need professional counseling.
Forgive and move on
Many people ignore this but if you fail to forgive, it keeps you bound to the past. Some people find it impossible to forgive. Well, to get rid of these feelings, you have to let go of your negative emotions of grief, anger and hurt. The sooner you let go, the sooner you will be able to forgive.
Let go of the past
There are some people who hang onto the fantasy that their spouse will return even after they have been remarried. The truth is, it is never going to happen. There is such group of people too who spy on their spouse because they were in an infidel relationship in the past. Some people even use apps like xnspy.com to even monitor the activities of their new partner because of some past instances. They use it to track their location, their call logs, text message conversations and even their internet browsing activities to know what they do behind their back. The truth is, you shouldn’t completely rely on Xnspy and keep on holding on to the bad that happened in the past. Apps like Xnspy are useful only if your relationship is taking a negative turn. The right approach is to let bygones be bygones. Just work through your pain and hand over your failure to God. If you had some share in the marital breakdown, ask God to forgive you and forgive yourself too. Move on and embrace your new life without being suspicious of your new partner.
If you want to know “How long is it going to hurt” then the answer is ‘always’. It all depends on what you are going to do with that hurt. Are you going to sublimate your feelings by getting into another relationship? Are you going to let the past hurt you? Or are you going to stop for a while and try to figure out what went wrong? If you build back yourself when you are alone, you can bring back the joy in your life.
There will come a time when this hurt will turn into an old scar which you just want to touch time to time to remember the good things.